Do I Need to Hate You to Love Me?

Sometimes, I feel pretty unhappy with myself and my (pauses and whispers)… weight.

It’s uncomfortable. Society tells me it’s bad, even though, yeah, there’s a whole body positivity thing going on. 

My body does weird things like catch food in my boobs or not fit quite right in the seats at a sporting event. 

My ass kept knocking the paper off the document camera when I was teaching. 

And I’m probably squishing my partner during certain horizontal tango moments. 

Which I rarely feel like having.

And everyone is judging me… in my head.

I think the drive-thru people think I’m going to devour the two meals I ordered for me and the kid they can’t see in the backseat. 

I think when I order something sweet, the waiter is like “of course the fat girl ordered dessert.” 

And when the hubby and I go out to eat, clearly I ordered the salad, not the burger, because clearly I need to be losing weight.

And clearly no one has said this shit to me except the voices in my head.

So I’ve got issues and there’s lots to be said for losing weight. Ya know, besides the obvi health and ease of exercising and playing with my kid kinda things.

But in the spirit of body positivity, and because it’s probably the mentally healthy thing to do, there are things I do have to give my body a shoutout for.

It hugs and shows love. It cooks for friends and cares for my family. It moves and lets me enjoy the world.

Thanks body.

And there are also things I secretly love about my current, overweight body, specifically. 

It often does not give a FUCK if you are checking it out or not. It feels pretty confident to just go be in the world because… how much more embarassing can it get?

It has really learned to develop a sense of humor to interact with others because it can’t just rely on those good looks any more.

And it is big and fluffy and warm and perfect for hugging the crap out of my snuggle-bug of a kid. Everyone needs a bosom for a pillow.

What if I can’t snuggle as well 50 pounds from now? What if I’m bony and uncomfortable? (Mind you, I’ve never been bony a day in my life.)

So here is where we get to the big question. Why haven’t I started? Really started trying to get healthy and lose some of the, to be honest, 100 pounds I could lose and still not be at the bottom end of my healthy BMI range?

Am I scared I won’t be huggable for the kiddo? Am I scared I will just be too hot to handle? 

Am I scared that I can’t?

Yeah, the last one sounds right.

I’m not sure how to get started. Fake it til you make it? Baby steps? Donate my belly fat to my friend’s boob reconstruction? (Don’t I wish.)

But it probably has something to do with ditching the bullshit judgemental voice in my head. Lose it to love me.