And I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart

I just saw my therapist and discovered something completely sad.

I have no confidence.

She asked me to tell her things I was good at.

I came up with three.

One of which is that I’m a squishy comfort to my child which is really just a jab at my weight.

Yes. A jab at myself.

Because that’s how mentally healthy people treat themselves.

As I write this, I’m scared. I don’t even have the confidence to recognize and declare this a problem. I’m sure plenty of people out there would have a hard time coming up with things they are good at.

But then it’s a problem for them too.

Because of anything we do, we should know we are good at some things. We should feel good about ourselves.

When I quit my job, I thought getting healthy meant physical health.

I quickly came to realize it also meant mental health–depression, anxiety.

But jeez louise, I didn’t know I needed to rebuild myself from the bottom up. That I am sitting here, a pile of scraps, not even sure how to connect end to end and give that piece a name.

WTF happened to me?

And I guess my therapist would say, “Does it matter what happened? Or does it matter where you want to go from here?”

I have had blazing moments of confidence in my life. Moments that won me awards or got me the hot guy in the bar. Moments I loved me and what I could do and could create.

And I’m worried that I just don’t DO anything now that is worth being proud of or feeling good about.

I am really good at loading the dishwasher.

Surely that is NOT what my therapist is looking for.

And then if feels all chicken-and-eggy.

I need confidence to get out there and try new things. But it seems I also need to be doing things that I can feel proud about to build my confidence.

I think my head is going to explode.

Perhaps it would just be easier to just lie here and watch The Mindy Project. Surely she has the answers.

Because I’ve got to find 10-15 things I’m good at by therapy next week.