Quit playing games with my heart
So first I was going with It’s So Hard to Say Good-bye To Yesterday. But that’s about death.
And silly me, I worry about jinxing my child into an early death.
My kid just ripped out my fucking heart when I dropped him off at daycare, and now it’s all I can write about.
Which I think is telling. It’s really hard to stick to your goals, stay focused on health, when there is emotional drama in your life.
But anyway.
This kid. I kept him home yesterday to go to the ENT (his ears are awesome, yay), so this morning he was all flabbergasted to be going back to daycare.
And he pulls that “don’t go, mommy” shit a lot. At daycare. At bedtime. When I have to go poop…
But today it all seemed a little too real. Not so manipulative, but more like I was really, actually breaking his heart. He was so uneasy and clingy.
And here’s the real sign he wasn’t faking–he was trying to hold back his tears. Usually he would be forcing those suckers out. Seeing your child trying NOT to cry is just a million times worse than him actually crying.
Ugh.. my heart.
And I left him there. My little baby. Crying. It just rips at your heartstrings.
Daycare drop-off has been wretched since day 1. I was crying because I was scared to death I’d return to pick him up and find him missing. Or mangled. Or sacrificed to the daycare gods or whatever. And this is on top of him being all clingy and crying.
And I know it’s not unique. I know probably every parent HATES leaving their kid on some level. I mean, sometimes we all frolic away in joy to be free of the little bastards. But we still miss them. Eventually.
It makes me think of this decorative quote thing my BFF got at her baby shower. I think it was
“Making the decision to have a child – it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking outside your body”
Or something like that. It was that or something about growing a second heart…
Which I remember at the time the BFF and I thought was a really gross picture.
BUT IT’S SO FUCKING TRUE!
My heart belongs to my damn child. He’s so dependent on me. I’m responsible for his wellbeing and happiness. And it just hurts when he hurts.
That is an odd phenomenon. I mean, I guess it helps the species survive to have the mothers feel like they’ve lost their heart to their children. Makes them want to keep the squirts alive and all.
But it is such a weight. Sometimes the cozy, snuggly weight of your comforter on a cold night. Sometimes it’s like wearing that comforter outside in 100 degree heat. You just need to get free.
And the really, really bonkers thing about it all?
I cannot believe, comprehend, that my mother feels like this about me. I can imagine the BFF feeling this more for her child, than I can my own mother feeling it about me.
Which is nothing against my mom. She’s very loving and always supportive.
But she hurts when I hurt? Like even over the stupid stuff? Hard to believe and I’m not sure why.
And now I feel like I’m being sexist. Cuz dads may feel like they’ve lost their hearts as well. But I wouldn’t know. No dads ever talk to me about feelings.
I need a donut.