I’ve got a big butt

And I cannot lie

I’ve been locked away with a sick kiddo for the last three days. Yeah, the same kiddo I had been wanting to put up for sale. Luckily, we’d made up. And I guess nothing brings out the motherly instincts like a sick, snotty, diarrhea-having child.

But any-hoot.

I finally got out of the house today to run some errands. First stop, Target. You know, Satan’s shopping hole that sucks you in and doesn’t let you free until you’ve added at least five things to your basket you weren’t intending on buying.

I stupidly tried on some clothes.

And maybe it’s good that I did because I made a horrifying discovery.

I have a mirror issue in my house. I have no full length mirror. Well, I did finally buy one but it hangs so high on our oddly tall closet door that it doesn’t do me any fucking good. So I leave the house looking like god knows what everyday.

Which makes me realize I made TWO horrifying discoveries.

1.Carrying my tiny wallet and stupidly large cell phone (I hate you Apple) in my jean pockets results in weird, unattractive bulging. Must start using purse. 

2.I have back rolls. Like rolls of fat down my back. You’re probably thinking, well duh EJ, you weigh 225 pounds. But I have never seen them (see above mirror issue). But even if I had mirrors, who has the back to back mirrors you find in dressing rooms in their house? You can’t actually ever see your back, unless you twist, which just distorts everything.

So, I should have guessed, but I just didn’t know. I have these huge rolls. You know that horrible female outline thing one might do with their hands? Add an extra hump in there for my rolls.

Check out Geraldo be super creepy with it at :35.

Jeez.

So thanks Target. Thanks for not only luring me into spending too much money, but for the brutal wake up call and blow to my self-esteem.