What becomes of the broken hearted

…
I know I’ve got to find
Some kind of peace of mind

I just went out to my old school. Saw my old students. And it hurt my heart. I miss them.

It makes me seriously doubt my decision to leave.

And there are many, many layers under that. More than I can probably unpack today.

But one, is that I apparently am always unhappy and think I am not good enough. I didn’t feel like a good enough teacher. To the point where I was having anxiety attacks over it. Where I felt my students deserved better than me. Where I felt like everyone at work judged me.

And now I am at home, cooking great healthy meals for my family, exercising more, and really enjoying writing. But. I am starting to doubt myself. My food is bland and weird. My kid won’t eat it. Is writing a blog helpful to society, or am I just taking up space?

Which leads to another layer of doubt. My mother always taught me to consider the other person’s point of view. A friend randomly dumped a coke on my head, my mother told me to consider that they were just having fun. Boyfriend didn’t call for days after a fight, I should consider how upset he is probably feeling.

She meant well–she didn’t want me hurting. She thought that if I could understand what was behind the action, it wouldn’t feel so bad.

But this turned into morbid interpretations in my own mind. Boyfriend hit me, I considered what I had done to deserve it.

It has ended up with me always worried about other people’s feelings. Trying to analyze and guess what’s going on in their mind. And usually I get it all wrong and come up with something really negative that leaves me painting myself as the asshole or loser.

So I am the loser for quitting my job. I am the loser for trying to contribute to the world through a blog instead of shaping young minds in a classroom.

And I’m just going to stop there. I’m low today. I’m doubting what the fuck I’m doing.

But, on a positive note: I did manage to NOT get any fast food on my funked up drive home. Which is a huge step for me. I am a major emotional eater, but we’ll get into that another day.

Now I’m going to go eat my wild rice/barley/butternut squash concoction that is really not so satisfying.